2022 Cancer In-Depth Look
With the 2022 regular season freshly in the books, what better time to take an in-depth look at all 12 signs in the Fantasy Astrology Baseball League! No sign had a more potent offensive attack in 2022 than the Cancer Crabs, although they unfortunately paired that with the weakest pitching staff in the league. So it’s a good thing that I’m framing my offensive analysis through the lens of a projected batting order, since that means I can put this sign’s best foot forward.
The most electrifying and entertaining player on the Cancer Crabs roster has to be Shohei Ohtani, because of what he does both at the plate and on the mound for the Angels. But the 2021 American League MVP wasn’t the sign’s top scoring batter this time around. That honor goes to Dodgers shortstop Trea Turner… or I should say former Dodgers shortstop, since he’ll be a free agent following the completion of the World Series. The power/speed threat would lead off in my standard Cancer batting order, with Ohtani batting second, which leaves the three hole for Manny Machado, a spot he occupied for most of the season with the Padres. Astros powerhouse left fielder Yordan Alvarez also primarily hit third, but the Cuban slugger also logged significant time in the cleanup spot.
The above configuration gives the Crabs a perfect right/left balance in their top four batters, which is important moving forward, as the rest of the lineup gets overwhelmingly left-handed. Rangers first baseman Nathaniel Lowe actually has a platoon partner in Ty France of the Mariners (and another lefty swinger backing them up, in the always outrageous Josh Naylor). For the sixth spot in the order, I’d like to make the radical suggestion of trying Mariners third baseman Eugenio Suarez at – wait for it – second base! While this might seem crazy, recall that Suarez still has holdover eligibility at shortstop from 2021, and my number one ground rule is that anyone who can play shortstop can also handle the responsibilities of second base. Without Suarez in that spot, we’d have to rely on another lefty – Josh Rojas of the Diamondbacks – although if DJ LeMahieu or switch-hitter Jorge Polanco were healthy all year, one of them very well might have claimed that spot outright.
The rest of the batting order is all lefties, regardless of additional positional cheats. Daulton Varsho was primarily an outfielder for Arizona, but his eligibility behind the plate provides a big fantasy point boost over Jonah Heim, the top Cancer primary catcher. Charlie Blackmon has played the majority of his career games in center field for the Rockies, but at this point, he’s strictly a DH/RF type. So instead, I have Chuck Nazty opposite Alvarez in right, with A’s 1B/OF Seth Brown in center, based on the 17 games he played there in 2022. If we’re looking for an actual qualified center fielder, we’d have to drop down to Cody Bellinger, who was frustratingly benched by Dave Roberts in the deciding games of the Dodgers’ postseason, despite coming up with many clutch hits for them in the past. I swear, Andrew Friedman is turning me against analytics… go with your gut once in a while!
The Cancer starting rotation is basically Shohei Ohtani and pray for rain. He had the amazing distinction of being the first player in MLB history to lead his team in both plate appearances and innings pitched in the same season, but only the latter is true of his FABL team. It’s not that the rest of the staff is devoid of promise: Lucas Giolito has shown flashes of brilliance in the past for the White Sox. Michael Wacha had a resurgent season for the Red Sox. Rookie Reid Detmers has a very promising future, pitching in the same real-life rotation as Ohtani (for at least one more year). And Twins youngster Bailey Ober has a pretty good pedigree, provided he can stay on the field. But the necessity of managing Ohtani’s workload as a two-way player requires even more pitching depth than usual, and the Crabs could barely field five eligible starters who broke 1,000 fantasy points last season.
Part of this was due to injury (will Stephen Strasburg and Dinelson Lamet ever return to the field for a full season?), freak ineffectiveness (Patrick Corbin just barely reached 200 fantasy points, despite pitching more than 150 innings), and unfortunate moves to the bullpen. Tanner Houck seemed all set to settle into the Red Sox rotation, but was converted to their closer after just four starts. And in Seattle, the acquisition (and extension) of new ace Luis Castillo (a Sagittarius) ensured that Chris Flexen will be stuck in a long relief role for the foreseeable future. Speaking of long relief, guys like Jaime Barria, Austin Voth, and Jalen Beeks are all capable of providing some length out of the bullpen, opening up the possibility of using an opener fairly regularly.
Despite the dearth of starters, the Cancer bullpen was actually a strength in 2022. Daniel Bard returned from obscurity with the Rockies to lead all Cancer relievers in fantasy points. Ryan Helsley had a breakout year in St. Louis, his meltdown in the Wild Card series notwithstanding. Camilo Doval looks like he’ll be closing games in San Francisco for the foreseeable future. And lefty Tanner Scott even picked up some saves for Miami last season. Speaking of lefties, I don’t know if Sam Hentges’s future lies in the rotation or the bullpen, but he was lights out for Cleveland in the postseason. And don’t forget Will Smith, the pitcher who was on the mound for the final out of the 2021 World Series, but then found himself unceremoniously traded to Houston during the season, and subsequently left off their postseason roster…